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Emancipation

I haven't written here in a while, but I'm glad to be back for this entry. These days have been stranger than anything that my generation has ever seen. I really don't want to even name it. If you're reading this, then you already understand. Today, I had two awakenings: one in the morning from the night of rest in my bed, and another in my spirit. I looked at the colors of nature as it presented itself to me. I thought it quite interesting and funny that at a young age we are taught certain standards and benchmarks for identifying the elements of the world around us. Trees and grass are green. The sky is blue. Roses are red. How amazing is it then that I've seen roses that aren't red? I have seen orange, pink, and purple skies. I've seen multicolored trees. There is actually a red tree that I can see from my window. There isn't even a speck of green on it. I believe that you must experience life in order to know it. A book cannot give you what experie
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Freedom In Truth #1: FFForgiveness

That title is not a typo. Where do I begin? I'm sure that everyone has their own definition of what it means to be free. In this series of posts, I will actively investigate the internal freedom that I believe all have access to by way of truth. Perhaps then the pieces of this giant puzzle will assemble (or at least begin to). I can only hope so.

I'll start off with forgiveness. It is generally defined as "a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group who has harmed you" (Greater Good Magazine). My curiosity about the correlation between the concept of forgiveness and certain happenings in my life has been growing recently. Forgiveness isn't something that I've ever given THIS MUCH thought to...until now. Really. Today, June 28th, 2019, I am finally willing to explore its significance in my experience. To say that I am "ready" would require a certain degree of belief in such a claim that I don't have at this moment. I am barely willing but willing nonetheless.

I wonder about the freedom that might come with forgiving someone. There are things I'm keeping hold of. I would prefer not to think of them as "grudges" due to the negative connotation and harshness of that word, but I must be honest with myself. I am harboring grudges. Immediately following specific moments that gave birth to these feelings of resentment, I attempted to forget everything associated. I didn't want to encounter or experience anything that triggered even the slightest thought of a thought of a thought of something that would be related to those moments. There would come this looming sense of self-loathing if I meditated on these situations for too long. I thought that they would eventually cease to exist if I ignored them for long enough. However, here I am; facing the fear of the consequences of recalling and dissecting these feelings that linger. Though less intensely than before, I still feel anger, frustration, sadness, fear, and disgust toward the people involved in these situations (including myself). This very day, I am considering the possibility that my suppression of all of this has been keeping me from accessing the fullness of the freedom that belongs to me--the freedom within.

Why then have I not forgiven these people? If I have the opportunity to break away from the heaviness that keeps me from my freedom, why have I not leapt at the "solution" of forgiveness? The simple answer is that I don't know how to. I don't even know the first step in doing so. What perplexes me is that I have forgiven in the past. I still forgive. Forgiveness in trivial matters does not require nearly the amount of conscious effort as forgiveness in more complex issues such as the ones I'm internally referencing while writing this. Do you think about how to blink right before you need to? I'll assume that your answer is no. You just do it, right? Your eyes close very briefly and then they open again. It's easy. Well, that is how I view my "process" of forgiveness in minor matters. Why is it so difficult when it comes to these other matters? Perhaps there are different sorts of forgiveness and this is the one that I have yet to understand. The thought of what might happen if I don't forgive soon enough haunts me. There is already guilt at this moment and the potential guilt is even greater. I don't know how I would cope with guilt greater than what I feel right now.

To put all of this clearly, I feel guilty for not having forgiven these people by now and I am frustrated because I don't know how to do it, though I want to. I am afraid to remain in this state of "cluelessness" for too much longer because the future may bring more guilt than I can handle. If I can figure out how to...do this sort of forgiveness in a timely manner, then I will be freed from all of this scary future guilt stuff. This is what is deeply troubling me today. There are probably other people out there facing this same reality. If you're one of those people, I sincerely hope that you find the answer that you seek. I don't know. I want to forgive. I want to be free. I must keep trying and continue this search for the key that will unlock my ability to forgive in this way. Maybe then I can forgive myself.

-Indigo

Photo by <a href="/photographer/wreckedm-50477">Palo Perez</a> from <a href="https://freeimages.com/">FreeImages</a>






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